neurosis. pyschosis. halitosis.

I noticed, the less activity I have in my life, the more I write; The more activity I have, the less I write. Writing and living are indirectly proportional. Of course I might be wrong.

MY life no longer has a routine. Something which I should be happy about. But my animalistic/instinctive tendencies drive me to create a life pattern, a schedule, that might somehow establish an equilibrium and drive me to boredom. yeah, uncool. I always say that my life has been less exciting, but of course when I say that I am lying: life is so far from boring. I only have two class days in a week. That makes for five days unbridled. Imagine that I have to make decisions everyday and choose not to be bum and slink back into the trap of my own sloth.

Funny, I even attempted to create some rules that I have not(unfortunately) been able to follow:

some NO's
NO TV,
NO PORN,
NO Mindless wanderings into space,
NO excessive online time and downloading useless stuff,
no excessive drinking, -
a bunch of NO's;
no boundless human attachments.

ANd some do's -
Excercise,
Research,
strengthen human relationships,
know how to speak a bit of spanish,
take a bath daily,
go to church(uhmmmmm),
research some more,
be a zippo ninja,
read a book a week,
go out at least once a week,
eat a balanced diet,
and more.

I discovered that creating such parameters are often bordering on futility for a person like me.

Another vicious side effect of losing routine is absent-mindnessesesses. FOr a neurotic thinkier like me, things are bound to happen: forget to zip my fly, forget to shave, brush teeth, forget all the rules mentioned above, forget why I am at a certain place at a certain time(Arrive at a place and say, "Why am I here again?"), mispell my name, forget my signature, leave valuable objects behind(i.e., phone, sunglasses, hankerchiefs, shoes, socks, clothes, etc.)

And another thing, I feel utterly lost, isolated, alienated, frustrated, unsatisfied, uncomfortable, claustrophobic, in other words, all the existentialist horrors drawn together to create an inner phantom designated to haunt my once-idyllic existence. Yeah, THERE IS NO FREEDOM FROM THE SYSTEM. The poetry of the perennial angst! Such nutritious substance for inciteful philosophy!

Did I mention I often lose sight of what I do things for? Which is good sometimes because it keeps me focused at my current mode of being. BUt sometimes I just need my soul-fuel: dreams. And It's very easy to lose sight of it when everyday life is just passing with things that you chose to do and want to do.

This is romanticist. hehe. Shit, I just found that exclamation funny. Shit. See how sick I am? I laughed at the lameness of it!

I also go to a perenially pressing issue : CASH. Now that I am a FULL TIME STUDENT(which is very difficult to really claim because technically I am just a bum who goes to class twice a week and pretends to study during the remaining five days, two of which I spend time debauching.), It's hard to live on my parent's money, considering we're not filthy rich. During the time that I was a FULL TIME PAID TECHNICAL SUPPORT PHONE WHORE, I seldom worry about cash, in fact, I never felt I ran out of cash. Now I have to scrimp and be my old self again. Yep, that's why I am losing weight. And the sadness of partying out without cash! The tragedy!

But hey, the simple things in life are the best, and the best things in life are free. So yeah, I'm still happy. Now I am able to engage in humane enjoyment with only little help from mammon. A really comforting improvent. A salient proof that money may provide COMFORT, but not HAPPINESSIVITY.

An Intellectual's mortal enemy is TELEVISION. NO, that statement is not a show of bigotry or backward-mindedness. whenever I watch TV and get glued to it for 2-5 hours. I stare into myself and wonder what glorious events might have transpired during those hours, what activities I might have engaged in instead of uselessly staring into those diode tubes with audio visuals transmitted from satellites created by mindless capitalists and shallow artists. And I end up bickering at the rapidly accelerating decline of culture and intellectualism. I end up a social whiner.

Wanna here a 'hey-look-at-me-i-am-stupid' story? Well, three days ago, friend of mine texted me, (This happened after MIGGZ's wedding, congratulations MIGGZ! mr. husband-man! and by the way, great wedding, something that future weddings may take as a model.-dig the 'butterfly effect', too.) :

"Sorry for the late notice, things happened so fast- Please come to my civil wedding at venue on the February 29th. Hope to see you there. "

And for two days I've been telling everybody that a friend of mine was getting married. I was genuinely excited that I congratulated her several times. And just yesterday, I discovered one painful and insulting truth, THERE IS NO FEBRUARY 29 2006. SO, there I was, pondering the ultimate realities of existence, theorizing on the birth of human consciousness, on the duality of understanding and feeling, on humanity's tendency to self-mortification, on the darkness of reality, on the profundity of art, on the justification of existence, on perennially oppresive systems of control, the necessity of tragedy, the pretentiousness of amorphous introspection that passed itself as culture. AND FORGETTING THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING FEB 29th! ehem,, sorry.

This is neurosis. This how my mind spins in my waking life. Yeah, It's fun sometimes, but there's no turning it off. It drives a person to the point of paranoia and borderline schizoprenia.

And oh, special cheers to my buddies out there! thanks for being alive! I would like to post your names one by one, but in doing so, I might miss out on someone and cause some level of contempt that I am in no position to deal with.

Shit, Why do I always have to say things in a complicated manner? IF life were to be summed up in one meaningful and realistic non-romantic way, it'll be :

SHIT. Because it happens a lot and it must happen.

And I now leave this post with a word(a word that's not really a word officialy) that people like me use a lot, A WHOLE LOT. this is not in the dictionary, some really cool guy just made it up. and hey, most of you guys know this, just keep using it! :)

cognitive displaysia - The feeling that you are going to forget something important once you have left your house.

(NOTE: IF YOU SEE ANY GRAMMATICAL OR TYPOGRAPHICAL ERRORS, just ignore 'em, I usually write stuff like these in the same way I take a dump or pick my nose.)