caffeine-rich nicotine based day.[based on true events]

Thanks for the advice trish! And for the comment too. I'm gonna get right to it!

Well, yeah, simple things. It's amazing how a day can go crazy when you go out. :)

instead of writing my usual bullshit about life and existence. Which, by the way, borders on meaninglessness. I decided to go on about the details of my day. It's amusing. Although I hardly expect anyone to read this in full, It's still worth readin! I have to apologize in advance for some grammar lapses and omitted words --- I am tired and the caffeine has worn off.

here goes.

9:49 AM

So tuesday, I start the day off at around 10 pm. My head's swimming in murk and I have to jumpstart my head real quick.

How do I do it? CAFFEINE! They don't call this thing up in my head a caffeine-rich nicotine based mind for nothin!

What to do, what to do... Grab that tall thermos mug, scoop three teaspoonfuls of instant coffee(nescafe-think 'sunshine song'), get 3 teaspoonsfoools of shu-gah, (and what! no cream? no cream? no mffffkn cream? -- hell, I'll do without it.) Get a dose of warm water, close the lid, and go shakin'! I open the lid and sniff that aroma... Aughhh! Get's right to the back of the eyes! That's when I know that's the real shit right there. I tip it to a certain angle towards my mouth, and heeeeeeey, that's some hardcore coffee right there. And it ain't complete without a smoke(Marlboro), lit of course, with my ever trusty zippo and a conversation with My mother. Mornings can be so nice. Oh, crap, I dodged breakfast! oh well.

-moments of morning to noon chillin'- then...

I shower, pack up, draw my trusty undies, pull up my ultramegasuperfavorite pair of linen pants(coz the're ultramegasupercomfortablistic!), wear a yellow golf tee, wear my favorite sandals(which by the way should be replaced because the soles are so worn out that when I step on something hard on the pavement, it pokes the balls of my feet), put on my pair of amber/orange aviator sunglasses and leave that junglewastelandsmokeymountainpayatas of a room.

1 PM

Which brings me to the first major event of this monday. On the way to UST, I have to return seven videos we borrowed from Video City (Y tu mama tambien, cidade de dios, hotel rwanda, some crappy oriental film, 76 seconds, the longest yard and some film I don't remember.)

This is the point when I think I had too much caffeine.

Ma drops me off somewhere near video city (hmm, maybe 26 strides away) and crashhhhhh. seven videos lie out on the floor like some quiapo-recto-greenhills raid! And since good fortune comes to those who are perenially clumsy and oaf-minded, Ma's car runs over one the CD's. specifically the crappy oriental film(yup, I'm a severely harsh critic. )

Naturally, I keep my cool and not stand over there with my mouth agape with both hands to my mouth. I just smile a bit pretending the episode was a candid skit, and pick up the CD's like I was picking mangoes in a harvest. My mind, however, is totally spinning round the thought of the run-over cd! I am so ballistic I say 6 cusswords in 7.8 seconds. whoa.

So I look at this crappy oriental film CD. The case is so busted the CD case looked like some skinny fellow got mauled by Mike Tyson's monstrous punches while the champ is on steroids. Suprisingly, the CD is still in one shape. And I smile again. I sing the Hallelujah chorus in my head.

I stack the cd's and walk 19 strides more to the video store. I hand over the merchandise, the guy at the counter looks over the CD's casually, I hand him my membership card, I chat him up about the crappy integrity of the CD's, he comments on how customers malignantly handle them, I agree to what he says, I ask him If the CD's I returned are okay, he says yeah, I leave the place with a totally amusing grin in my face.

Moral lesson : Only watch original Videos. They stay in shape after getting run over by a car.

1:30 PM

Off to manila then. Ride the FX, alight the FX, get on the train, alight the train, get on a jeep, alight the jeep, and walk towards UST.

Nothing to do in UST really: Just inquire at the office and ask about some boring technicality that may change the course of my life.

And so I do inquire with a yawn, at which point something interesting happens again! Well, it's something of personal interest really. There's this priest there who has totally forgotten my name, and whose name I have forgotten too. He asks me how I am doing, I tell him I am doing fantastic thank you, he goes on and tells the other office staff that here before thee is a bald kid who is 'intelligent.' Imagine, he calls me intelligent, a domincan priest profesor! Oh, my ego blows up so much I might pop.

3 PM

I then go for a smoke and move on to my next agenda. I have to have this digicam repaired. I could not go into detail about what bothered my digicam. All I can say is that its busted, and when shaken violently, it works for a while, which would then need to be shaken again for it to be used again. Eventually all that shakin' and bakin' reached its limits. Which brings me back to my agenda. I have to to have it repaired.

First I check SM manila. I bring it to the appliance center and i get nil. Since we did not purchase it there, anyway. I am such a brimming genius. I bring this gadget to a service center that does not even sell such an item. I am such a freakin' genius. This part should be funny now. hehe.

So to nurse my wounded intelligence I go to the arcade and hit a few games of TEKKEN. I'm a rehabilitated gaming addict, but often, I tend to slide back to this shameful vice of mine. So I spend 39 pesos to have my ass kicked in my favorite game. Yes: I play and I don't get to kick any ass and instead have my cute ass kicked, by a freakin' kid!

To nurse my wounded gaming pride, I decide to choke up some ice cream. (yay)

What ice cream?

THUMBS UP ICE CREAM! There's this little stall that sold ice cream in five bite sizes. Kiddie treats! hehe. I get to choose five uber yummy flavors : strawberry, Avocado, bubblegum, triple choco madness, and melon. Oh the flavors are so vivid! I can still feel them in my tounge, like tasting these treats have gained me insight into some arcane wisdom. (Exaggeration 101)

3:45 pm

Next stop : Quiapo : a quasi-urban-paradise for me.

Naturally, I stop by the DVD zone first. Hog as I am, I buy 9 DVD's. (so much for piracy)
--capote, inside man, good night and good luck, rumor has it, get shorty, the three burials, the world, paradise now and derailed-- This is gonna be some movie fieeestaaa!

I walk through the crowded streets and stop by the smith to have my old zippo repaired. I flip it around so much I go back almost once a month. As usual, they fix it for a very low price. I smile and move on to my real goal. Have the freakin' digicam repaired.

I once dreamed of creating a map for Quiapo.Why, It's a terrible labyrinth! Literally! I walk around and often find myself in the same spot that I have been mintues ago! Thanks, however, to the friendly direction-giving vendors, I reach the camera zone of Quiapo, that's somewhere at the back of SM Quiapo.

I find a man who'd fix it for a whopping PHP1500!!!! TEchnology is sooooo not cheap. 1500 for a Freakin' measley repair?! I try to haggle but it's no use, I'm too well dressed. I leave the cam with Mr. camera-repair guy and off I go, back to the campus.

5:00 pm

Clark's been texting. He's inviting us over to his new place for some real deal chillin'. I decide to meet up my other friends at the campus. I wait around and chill at the field. But it's just too terribly hot. And my friends decide not to meet me at UST and instead just go directly to clarks place. Utterly convenient, considering that I have no idea how to get to Clark's place. He gives directions like some fancy cable-tv cooking show host!

God moves in mysterious ways: Hazy as my motivation may be, I attend mass instead. Cool my overheated body, and warm my frozen heart: sounds like a deal to me. And guess who presided over the Eucharist? The same priest who commented earlier on my intelligence! Well well well. I think I wasn't able to finish the service though... bad bad bad adrian.....

6PM

I chill some more.

Sitting at the benches, I spot Kat. I say, hey kat, she waves back and says hey, I ask her if she's on her way home, she says just one more walk-and I'd be off homeward, I say okay, you take care then!

Then I spot, lloyd, friend of mine and former classmate, together with Noknok(well that's what we call him, If you want you can call him Noel, cool, but that'll be awkward for me). They are on bikes. Lloyd's on one that has a sidecar designed for deliveries- one that has a cage with no roof. Picture it?

Well, I hop on Lloyds sidecar and we go for a spin. Literally.

See, there's this hump on the road. I'm sitting at the rear end of the sidecar. This is when I make a startling discovery - when pedicabs hit humps on the road and your sitting at the rear end, it tends to topple backward, having you thrown off the sidecar towards the floor. The velocity of the fall would be such that if it hits the sweet pavement, it freakin' hurts.

So there I am, prone, ass on the floor(Sir Isaac Newton must be giggling in his grave.) For a few seconds I contemplated my startling breakthrough in modern physics. I stand up, and behold my lovely and giggling audience. To save myself from complete embarassment, I raise my hands in a V-shape, as if I have one the World Boxing middleweight title. And walk on. ohhhhh, I can feel the giggles of the crowd on my nape. But, hey, that's entertainment!

Slightly injured, I move on.

We decide to grab a few pearl shakes to chill of our parched throats. So, we go there to ZAGU(somehow, mentioning this brings me a feeling of slight embarassment)


round 6:20 pm

Guess what happens next.

We look at the seminary building, and there it is.

FIRE! The smoke's so thick it looked like a gang of chain smoking titans. There was no blaze visible from where we were at though.

Yeah, I'm not kidding, something is burning. And it's burning pretty mad.

My two buddies came running and I followed suit. As it turns out, the quarters of the chauffeurs of the priests was the blazing building in question. Lloyd was afraid it was his freakin' room. There were firefighters galore! That episode was so action packed I felt like watching Saving Private Ryan in full 3D. oh, make that Ladder 49.

Soon enough the blaze's put to a calm and we decide to part ways. The show's over. I feel the need to print on my shirt - "I've seen the fire, ask me about it." Then I'll fill in anyone who asks on the details with a bit of my own flavor. hehe. Universities rarely catch fire like that, so i guess that was eventful, indeed. I must say though, that it did feel a bit petty. Too much fuss, I guess.

7PM

Night falls and I take a ride to Clark's place. I got there and I think the place's really nifty. Compared to his previous place(Where I had two traumatic toilet experiences, one with shit threatening to swim of the bowl, and the other when there was cat shit on the bathroom floor.) this new place is might nice. It even smelled good. And no demonic landladies.

And glory of all glories, It has a roofdeck. Check it out. It's the ultimate chill place. I get there, join the gang, get a a whiff of the wind, and light a smoke. We then have a meal of chili-mansi pancit canton back at Clark's apartment and chitchat some more, Interesting conversation about stuff us friends talk about when getting together and have nothing sensible to do. I stay there till twelve and I pack. It's time to go home.

1230am

The trip home's quick, just as I want it to be.

1:15 AM

To cap off the night, I play a few rounds of Tekken with Matthew, my cousin(with me kickin' his ass, off course), have a meal of beef stew in mushroom sauce, have a few cookies, have a smoke, chill in front of the TV, and write this horribly long blog entry.

IT's 6 aM!!!!!!!! - television is EVIL . evil i tell ye!

hell, I need some sleep.

preview..... publish post..

reader comments:


'What's this crap your writing?" - anonymous coke junkie

"You're own deranged kid" - Stephen Hawking

"Hell yeah" - the Hobo at the gates.

"my presshusssss" - Gollum

"You may have a knack for autobiographicationism!" - Adrian

Angst Vocab

my new favorite word. ABSURD.
runner up? PATHETIC. but I'd rather spell it - pathetique.

I've just graduated! yay!

I'm just surprised. I'm supposed to be whooping with joy.

then there's another word : EMPTY.

I should have known it would be like this. For a long time I relied only on myself for joy.

Then suddenly I decide that this person can bring my happiness as I have never known it.

Then there's sorrow. Sorrow that's not even inflicted by the other person, but SELF-INFLICTED. Brought about by thinking too much. If only she knew how much it would mean. How I could slide back to myself and be, once again, a proto-monster.

Funny, but somehow I feel I needed this dose of agony. I've written 3 poems now. all equally tawdry. now comes the stage of SELF-HATE.

And beyond everything. beyond all these dark forces, I am forced to smile. A smile that is almost villainous. I feel tingling comfort inside my being. Because deep inside I know that all this is necessary for my own experience of the SUBLIME.

to Summarize : ABSURD. PATHETIC. EMPTY. SELF-INFLICTED. SELF-HATE. SUBLIME.

oh, did i say I just graduated? YAY again! well, seriously, I find it hard to feel the joy when sitting in a room stifled with cigarrete smoke.

( Oh Adrian, Grow up and stop being so angsty! :P )

poetry from the gutter

ahm. just another poem, I guess. Falling can do so many nasty things to you. and suddenly the mind becomes a spawning pool for metaphors, AS if everything that happens in the universe is just part of that little event in your heart. or whatever it is... don't be harsh! amateur here. and oh oh oh ,,, wait, try to use your minds eye with a tad bit more effort.... like, the whole picture, like all the senses... sound, sight, etc...

'stella maris'

When I am swimming in melancholia,
And the mighty sky is engulfed in darkness,
All I see is vast expanse of obscurity,
the silent ocean right beneath it.

At that moment before dawn,
when the stars are no more,
and the sun's staggering beneath the horizon,
The sky is just a vast sheet of sable.

The silence bears me down, smothers me,
The chilling air stabs me like poisoned daggers,
my feet give way, my knees bend,
my eyes cast to the firmament,

I cry one tear and pray for salvation,
I groan for a a snapshot of cheer,
But silent heaven did not answer,
And mighty sea did not budge,

Then, I looked a little closer and there you were,
The clouds reveal you, in your majesty,
A bright star beneath the merciless sky,
Defying everything in its presence,

Though it did not illuminate the entire sky,
It cast light upon my darkened soul,
Glowing like fireflies in a frenzy,
So bright i could see light beneath my eyes!

And though it did not make any sound,
Midst the silence of that moment,
It played the music of angels in my heart,
So beautiful i noticed not my tears,

So beautiful I noticed not,

My tears...

...................................
it actually makes me sad now. see, how things like these are like an hourglass - sand flows, right? HOWEVER, if you tip it, you'll discover that the other hand has a big hole in it... and it might eventually drain out the sand (of your feelings) and someone needs to tip it again, terribly. If this one slips away again, I might turn to my old self, for those who know my old self... yeah, I know... IT's not good..

sorry...

Just two things that kept bugging me lately.

how much control does God over have over lives? will it ever curtail free will?

The answers that Aquinas offer does not satisfy me.

The implications are enormous!

Perrenial problem in philosophy, so difficult to reconcile with the Scholastics.

Don't get me wrong, I totally believe and love God.
******
just another piece of Philosophy. sorry again! -
--
Peace is accepting that life is filled with chaos and suffering. Once you are able to embrace this fact, life will suddenly become so beautiful it becomes one sublime story. (reading of Paul Ricoeur and Nietzche) hehe.

Of hakuna matata and mass graphomania

I JUST HAD THE FINAL DRAFT OF MY THESIS APPROVED!! w00t!!!

just three more matters to attend to and it will be all good. I'm in for a run of HAkuna Matata. I keep hearing it in my head like some angelic mantra whispering to the depths of my soul, 'hakuna matata, hakuna matata.' Timon and Pumbaa be my guide! yeah!

***************
Shout out. my profound gratitude extends to mr. Emmanuel Batoon, my thesis salvation. He is the very reason why I am graduating this semester. For a another rare instance in my life, I had someone believe in me, and pushed me further to achieve my goal. thanks sir, you have been more than a thesis adviser to me. You are an angel manifest. I'm sure you have helped a lot of people like me, and let me also thank you on their behalf.

***************

Right. I'm here to engage in another session of sick graphomania. The shame.

I just re-read a passage from Kundera's book, "The Book of Laughter and Forgetting." (He seems to have, often, a profound insight into the darker and humiliating side of humantiy-why we sometimes give misery to our loved ones, for instance.) He goes on and tells about graphomania. Everyone of us bears a potential writer, he says, 'politicians, cab drivers, women on the delivery table, mistresses, murderers, criminals, prostitutes, police chiefs, doctors, and patients.'

The reasons is that "everyone has trouble accepting the fact he will disappear unheard of and unnoticed in an indifferent universe, and everyone wants to make himself into a universe of words before it's too late"

Now, picture this. Everyone writes and declares himself to everyone and shouts and cries and laughs and declares even more. EVERYONE.

What a terrible world. Armaggedon with words. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone else will be deaf to everyone else, and all there will be is the need to be heard. Mass graphomania.

The illiterate and the dumb will be a gift to mankind. Because only they would be oblivious to this horror our intrinsic egoism has wrought.

And this all boils down to one thing for me. I need to listen more.

Hmm. I'm in a very precarious situation.
I'm all at once happy, anxious, nervous, impassioned, and mystified.
**
Plus, I'm great compelled to speak politics but such matters seem pointless to me sometimes.
**
Thesis is almost over.
Semester is almost over.
I could very well possibly graduate.
Why do I feel so secure.
So secure that I feel that something very horrible will upset it,, AGAIN!
**
Sometimes I get to spend time with a person I have known for years.
And I realize and think why haven't we tried to get to know each other before.
But the realization is not of regret, only an act of wonderment.
But then, it's very possible that if we had been together before, things would have turned out fundamentally different.
And besides, time bears no real meaning when the moments that pass constitute little eternities: little wonderful eternities.
**
I told you this is precarious.
**
:)

ubermensch

yup. I finished the first draft of my thesis in an effort that possibly bordered on superhuman. I never knew such a feat was possible. But I did it.

Thoughts of conceit still flood to my mind.

But more than that, I thank the Lord for giving the strength and the intellectual endurance that enabled my feeble human mind to achieve such a herculean undertaking. Ironic, the philosopher was an anti-platonic-christian philosopher. But I just realized that God still guided me because the path I am taking is leading me to authentic faith. That no matter what rational effort you try to pry the faith off o' yer heart, it just ain't possible. whoa. that is something I never wrote about before. Now I feel I cannot cuss on this current blog. THat's okay.

ANd just a few days more I'm on the brink of graduating. Lord help me.

Graduating. Graduating. This has never felt so good! I have never felt so good! now comes the impulse to repeat everything I say. Now comes the impulse to repeat everything I say.

Credits also go to my remarkable cranium. I have finally proven that having a large frontal lobe(malaki ang NOO.hehe) does have its pay-offs. Who's laughin' now, aye? hehe.

But it's not over yet. I know my optimism is of a dangerous kind. But I just cannot dodge myself, I feel so good!

And here I am, listening to the music of Ray Charles and 50cent while I type away and finish everything else.

There is no greater drive than the will to greatness. The will to succeed. The will to rise above and be ubermensch, the overman, the superman. Overly proud my aims may be, at least I see a light at a distance. I've grown tired of hunting in the wilderness, all I wish to do now is tread the paths of those who have come before me, and reach the summit - where the clouds will brush my cheeks and the whole world will be within my eye. Everything that I behold right now will just be a dot on the horizon. God forgive me...